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Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
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holy shit. i got an elliptical machine.
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Sunday, September 24th, 2006
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Goal for this coming sunday : 120 lbs. Which means I would have to lose 5 lbs. in one week. Throwing up has turned out to be a lot different than I thought. It is much easier once you do it a few times. I always dread that feeling after eating, feeling heavy and a mild wave of depression that would take over. I am a really slow eater but I still will feel like I've binged and I can't help but think about how what I just ate wasn't worth it. So now that I'm over my fear of throwing up I can make myself feel much better. I'm still cautious to eat anything too fattening. I know that throwing up doesn't make you lose the fat you are ingesting, so until I lose the bulk of my weight I'm really trying to only eat things that are very low in fat and calories. Sometimes I feel like this is an impossible task. In reality I'm not obese or fat to the point I would need a doctor. People seem to get to a certain point in their lives or in their own mind where they give up. They allow themselves the pleasures of excess and as a result become fat. Maybe they feel like there is no hope for them or maybe they have no willpower. I am just realizing that I don't have to give up. I can make this happen. It is all a matter of taking control of my life, what I eat, how I look, and how I feel. Writing down everything I ate helped a lot at the beginning. Now I don't need to write all that down because I'm so aware of what I'm eating. I should keep track of times I've slipped or given in to excess. I don't feel any amount of guilt or shame for doing this. It has been a conscious decission on my part. People do terrible things to themselves everyday. Smoking, drinking excessively, doing copious amounts of drugs. This may seem like I'm trying to justify something that is obviously bad for me. To an extent I probably am, but society contradicts it's self by making fat people the butt of every joke while placing the waif on a pedestal. The fact is, it is less socially acceptable for me to controlling the amount I eat than for someone to have a few too many drinks and drive their car home. I suspect more people have EDs than people think. I now look at the girls with bodies I had coveted for so long and realize their "naturally" skinny frames have taken a lot of dedication. I guess the funniest part of my rant is that I used to work in the psych department at a university that dealt solely with patients suffering from eating disorders.
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Sunday, September 10th, 2006
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breakfast : V8 drink 30 cal ate some fresh fruit through out the day
lunch : wow sandwich 207 cal
dinner : snacked on celery and salsa maybe 30 cal
worked on my house a lot today mopped kitchen and living room and cleaned all the dishes! i also threw out "bad" things in my fridge like ice cream etc. went to a friends bbq and picked at carrots and a couple small crackers didn't make a plate of food or eat anything else there!
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Saturday, September 9th, 2006
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breakfast : V8 low sodium drink 30 cal
lunch : sandwich 207 cal and celery
dinner : skipped dinner because i ate sweets at work maybe as much as 250 cal
biked around a little bit and avoided food at a party i went to after work.
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Friday, September 8th, 2006
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breakfast : cereal and milk 165 cal
lunch : sandwich 207 cal and cerery with bragg amino acids
dinner : went out to eat and had a salad with seared tuna about 360 cal
went swing dancing for a couple hours and rode my bike there and back. i'm really bad but it was fun.
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Thursday, September 7th, 2006
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i love my new job. i get to sit behind a desk all day and organize my life and write and all i have to do is answer the phone once in a while. i love it. i also like that there is never any food to tempt me like at my other job. i sit and drink water all day or have a cup of tea and eat my little lunch that was planned out the day before and carefully measured.
breakfast : cereal and milk 165 cal (i actually measured it out this morning and i think i've been over estimating the last few days)
lunch : cottage cheese sandwich 207 cal(again i know, but i like it)w/celery and cucumbers
dinner : salad with black bean cakes 380 cal
extra : i had some apple sauce for dessert 90 cal
total : 842 cal
so far so good, i couldn't play tennis today as i planned because of all the rain
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Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
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breakfast : 2% milk and cereal 330 cal
lunch : sandwich with fat free cottage cheese, dill and scallions 220 cal
dinner : while at work ate crap that was put out so i skipped dinner. my new favorite thing is braggs amino acids ate cucumber and celery throughout shift.
i would like to try mixing a little bit of mustard and chopped onion into cottage cheese and make a sandwich with lettuce. i think it might be similar to an egg salad sandwich.
i went swimming today. i did laps for about 45 minutes and rode my bike to the pool and back. it's been a while since i've done laps so it took me a little effort to get my breathing right. i got a few really good tips from a friend who used to swim in high school.
after i got off work i rode my bike around campus for a while with a heavy messanger bag. i would like to get off work and be active more often. the weather is so much nicer than during the day and it lets me think about things.
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Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
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late start on eating today
breakfast : green tea 0 cal holy crap cereal and 2% milk about 350 cal
lunch : ran late had to go to work
dinner : bad news didn't take veggies to snack on so i ended up eating a bunch of bread no clue probably about 300-600 cal, tea at work w/honey about 30 cal
total: 630-930 ?
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things feel very different this time. i'm not depressed. i'm not getting out of a bad relationship or in a relationship where i'm very unhappy. i actually feel really content being alone right now. the thought of even dating guys rarely crosses my mind. i've hung out with guys recently and no one interests me. i'd rather be alone. i don't feel like sharing my time with many people right now and especially not with any guy. last week i was looking at pictures of myself from middle school and high school. the amount of weight i gained in one year is insane. i'd always been on the thin side and my chicken legs didn't help. i never worried about my weight until i was in high school. i was just a very active happy kid. i am assuming that my parents sudden and unexpected divorce at the end of 9th grade led to some of my issues with food. eating was deffinately a comfort for me at this time since i was very depressed and didn't realize it. everyone has a hard time in high school and i hate to sound like another angsty post-teen saying how rough i had it. i remember being so depressed i wanted to be committed so i never had to deal with anything ever again. having a mother that thought by telling me to "grow a thicker skin" all the time i actually would. well it didn't help and my selfesteem was almost non-existant. i suspect my mother has some form of an ed. she lost a considerable amount of weight when i was in elementary school. i can specifically remember her portioning out much smaller amounts of food than the rest of the family. when she told me "food is not for enjoying, it's for sustanence" is another thing that is burned into my memory. i've always felt uncomfortable with people giving me compliments and most of the time i make jokes to change the subject or make fun of myself to make people laugh. when i was a lot heavier in high school i think i strived for no one to notice me. my weight was a way to sheild myself from people. instead of growing a thicker skin like my mother wanted, i apparently ate until i had one. i was raised hearing her cut herself down constantly and aquired the exact same habit.
all this aside like i said before i don't feel super depressed at this point in my life. i do feel a strong need for more control in my life. everything from not letting people walk all over me to making the most of my time and saving money to my exercizing and eating habits. i've stopped going out drinking. i made a conscious decission and put forth the effort. this is the same thing. this is going to be much harder than curbing my drinking but that is because food is my drug of choice and controling it is my only option.
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Monday, September 4th, 2006
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i still need to weigh myself so i'm not yet sure what i want my long term wright goal to be. i'm guessing somewhere around 115lbs. to start off. so here are some other goals
write down everything i eat
no snacking on food from work (only veggies i bring)
lessen salt intake
plan my meals 3 days in advance
get my caloric intake down
exercize 5 days a week
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i'm in my new house and i love it. i actually have a kitchen to cook in. for once i don't feel overwhelemed by my things. i made a grocery list of safe foods last night and i plan on looking up some more recipes today. i went to american apparel today and felt like i shouldn't even have been in there. eventually i would like to be completely vegan. i rarely eat meat and it makes no difference to me if i never eat it again. the hard part is going to be cheese but it's not like i need it anyway.
breakfast : cereal and 2% milk about 350 cal
lunch : green beans w/soy sauce about 80 cal
dinner : cottage cheese (lt salt and pepper) 60 cal, large potato w/salsa about 250 cal
extra: i let myself have icecream another 200 cal
total: 940 cal
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anouska_darling's journal